Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Intimacy is in the Details

We begin that nights discussion focused very much on the Project, as we had been dancing around him for three nights, but tonight was the last chance the three of us had and, whether or not he was aware of it, we were going to flay him alive. We got a more thorough description from the Balance of some of the problems the Project was causing the The Balance’s Home for Wayward Boys. Mostly, he just seemed terribly unaware that people existed at all in the space and that any action he had might actually upset someone. One example given was, when watching a youtube video, he was asked by the Balance to do something, and, upon ignoring the Balance, the screen was turned off. Which caused the project to simply turn around, without comment, and continue to watch the video on another available screen. It’s the sort of thing that would send me into a fit of rage.

“It’s like he doesn’t realize that I am GOD in this house.”

He really doesn’t. The discussion turned inevitably to his strengths and weaknesses.

“I know this is a problem,” he explains the Bard who had been recounting how every decision he made was about avoiding risk.

“I mean, I know it is a problem.”

“What you have to understand is that your top strength is also your greatest weakness. You are almost incapable of making a decision, incapacitated really by making a decisions, unless you have passed it through several others, and always, your decision is going to be to avoid any serious risk. And everything is  a risk, including connecting with people which is why you avoid connection.”

“That’s true.” He is interrupted by his phone again. While we knew that this would happen, I pulled out my most domineering bitch goddess card and played it anyway.

“Do you want to go through life being disconnected from everything?” I ask.

He turns back to his phone.

“Put your phone away for a few moments and listen.”

“But you knew I had to be on my phone.”

“Not the point.”

“Ms. Deville, this is something we have all tried before.”

I just smiled. The Project put his phone away.

“Why are you always seeking attention?” I asked the Project.

The Balance inhales a breath, “I didn’t see it. Of course. I didn’t see it.”

The Project, for once, actually looks confused. It is the Balance who fills it in.

“It’s about intimacy. You can’t create intimacy. You can’t connect with people, and you can’t make the choice to do so because of the risk, so everything, everything you do is about getting attention, creating intimacy through direct action if not otherwise.”

We spin on this thread for a while. Considering how we call connect with our lives, with each other, how we create intimacy in different ways, ways that are in some ways healthier or unhealthier. The Balance’s Home for Wayward Boys provides an intimate connection that allows him to balance his desire to be around people that are filled with youth and potential, my variety of lovers and adventures that allow me to reflect on who I am, the Bard and the Electrician and their hour long discussions that peel back the layers reality until, underneath, they find the kernels of real truth hidden by the Wizard’s curtain. We have this, the Project is so far from it that one wonders if he can ever get there.

Wine flows, and Sugar is happy to bring us more on request, we the three of us talk and talk, as rain falls down on California. It is a moment in time where we examine our own nature through the nature of someone unmindful.

I wonder to myself as we exit if the Project would succeed or fail, but think also, this is not the point, he provided a good mirror for the person none of us want to be again: unmindful, unrealized, unfulfilled.

The air is warm and moist as we descend from the restaurant and the car quiet as we ride back to the hotel.

Monday, April 14, 2014

Sugar, Sugar, Oh, Honey, Honey.

The next day passes much as days at conferences do. Aside from the damnable cold that is California in the “winter”, which means days hold around the low fifties, and really, much chillier than I had packed for because I was anticipating something else. Theoretically I can’t blame California for this, however I will blame California just fine.

After doing the things we were supposed to do we pinged the Balance and took some time to get his car and head down the road to something sitting high atop a cliff looking over the bay. The view was stunning, to say  the least, and we all settled in and worked to order food.

“What do you want to eat?” asks the Balance as we get seated at a table looking at menus.

A blonde perky waitress sidles up to us and says, “My name is Sugar.” I think, aren’t you just?

“Give us a minute, won’t you.”

“Can I get you something to drink?”

“Oh, I’m very sure.”

After a moment negotiating it with the Balance we order a bottle of pinot and Sugar saunters away.

“Ms. Deville, you filthy whore.”



“It’s not like I did not that on purpose.”

“No, I think by your mere presence here, you caused it to happen,” the Balance smiles.

I can’t really argue with that.